Loser Appreciation Day
by Lady Azura
Summary: In which Ichigo hates Valentine's Day, Rukia loves strawberries, Orihime's way off again, Karin's growing up, Urahara decides to play Matchmaker and Byakuya wants Ichigo's head mounted on a wall. Let the chaos begin.
1. Chapter 1

Summary: _In which Ichigo hates Valentine's Day, Rukia loves strawberries, Orihime's way off again, Karin goes on her first date, Urahara decides to play Matchmaker and Byakuya wants Ichigo's head mounted on a wall. Let the chaos begin._

Disclaimer: Don't own _Bleach_. 'Nuff said.

Author's Note: I meant to have this done for Valentine's Day, but I got lazy.

X

**Loser Appreciation Day  
**_**Part I**_

X

_"KUROI GETSUGA!"_

From where she stood, Rukia watched as streaks of crimson tore through the Hollow above her, causing it to dissolve instantly. Seconds later, Ichigo appeared beside her, his Zanpakuto resting on his shoulder.

"That the last one?" He asked.

She glanced down at her cell phone.

"Yeah… for now." She said. "Let's go."

---

The entire class was abuzz with excitement when they arrived, but before Rukia could ask him about it, their teacher pulled them into the hallway by their ears (or rather, Ichigo was) and berated them (even though Misato-sensei had yet to even _look_ at Rukia, who was just standing idly by, laughter dancing in her eyes despite the feigned sympathetic expression she wore) for being late _again_. After being smacked with her clipboard a dozen times, she sent them back inside with a warning that if "you two are tardy one more time, I'm calling your parents!"

She'd been saying that for almost a year, however, and still hadn't done anything about it.

It wasn't until they joined their friends that Ichigo noticed the stack of cards, crafts and flowers littering Rukia's and his desks, which puzzled the dark-haired Shinigami when she too took notice. It was then that Ichigo remembered what day it was and groaned, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose in a feeble attempt to will away the headache he could start to feel coming on.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Kurosaki-kun!" Orihime's cheerful voice rang out, and Ichigo re-opened his eyes in time to see a large pink, heart-shaped box be thrust at him. "Here, I made these for you. I hope you like them. You too, Kuchiki-san!" She added quickly, pulling out another box from her already bulging knapsack and giving it to Rukia.

"Umm… thank you, Orihime… but…"

Her voice faded as Ichigo's attention was drawn elsewhere, when he felt someone nudge him. It was Tatsuki.

"She really did make them, so I'd be careful if I were you." She said, smirking playfully.

"Uhh, thanks for the warning…"

"OH, MY DARLING HIME! I'LL EAT ANYTHING YOU MAKE AS LONG AS IT CAME FROM YOU, MY SWEET ANGELIC ROSEBUD!" Chizuru cried, appearing suddenly with her arms spread wide, ready to embrace Orihime from behind -- and no doubt either try to cop a feel or kiss her… or both. Probably both.

Luckily, Tatsuki was able to stop her in time. Unfortunately, Chizuru wouldn't be waking up for a while.

Orihime remained oblivious.

As it turned out, most of the cards on Rukia's desk were from Keigo (despite them all having been signed "Anonymous" or "Secret Admirer" -- but his chicken scratch was unmistakable.) The others, like the ones Ichigo had received, were from their closer friends like Orihime and Chad and, most surprisingly, Uryuu.

"It would look suspicious if I were to exclude you. That's all." Was his excuse, as he adjusted his glasses.

No one bought it, though. Despite the fact that he still claimed to despise Shinigami, they knew it was just an act now, but no one said anything. Except Orihime, who jumped to the wrong conclusion.

"Don't be shy, Uryuu! Just tell her how you feel!" She giggled, latching onto his arm and pointing to Rukia.

"How I feel? Inoue-san, I don't -" Uryuu sputtered, his cheeks burning red.

"Then why are you blushing?" Orihime teased. "Admit it! You're in love with Kuchiki-san!"

He was definitely blushing, Ichigo noted, but he had a hunch it had more to do with Orihime being in such close proximity than it did with any "romantic feelings" he might have secretly been harbouring for Rukia.

Speaking of Rukia…

Glancing down, he noticed she wasn't even paying attention to the display. Instead, she was still staring at the heart-shaped box in her hands with wonder. After about a minute or so more, she looked up at Ichigo.

"Uh… what exactly…?"

"Valentine's Day." Ichigo answered simply. "I'll explain later. Till then, just smile and nod."

---

"Ah, Kuchiki-san! Kurosaki-kun! Just the two I was hoping to see!" Urahara's chipper voice greeted them upon entering his shop. "What can I do for you today?"

"The usual." Rukia replied, handing him her near-empty Chappy dispenser.

"Of course. Same grade as always?"

"Yeah."

Urahara nodded and began to ring her up while Rukia dug through her backpack for money. Ichigo, who had been occupying himself by looking around to see what else the shop sold, eventually grew disinterested and made his way over.

"So, Urahara, why'd you want to see us?" He asked.

"Hmm? Oh, right. I'm glad you reminded me!" With that, the blond man promptly disappeared under the counter, only to emerge seconds later with two very large baskets filled to the brim with candy and chocolate. "For Valentine's Day. Do enjoy!"

Ichigo arched a suspicious brow and didn't take the basket immediately, unlike Rukia who seemed positively delighted to be receiving so many free gifts in one day. Noting his hesitance, Urahara clutched his heart, feigning hurt.

"Kurosaki-kun, I'm _hurt_ that you think that this is some kind of trick. I gave everyone else one, just ask them. You're my favourite customers, after all… you keep my business running! Just think of it as a token of my appreciation, yes?"

With an annoyed sigh, Ichigo reluctantly gave in and took his basket, but not without caution. There was something very unsettling about the mischievous glint in Urahara's eyes, but he decided not to mention it and after a few more minutes, he and Rukia went home.

---

"So… this 'Valentine's Day' is a holiday where one gives chocolates to the people they love?" Rukia asked, plopping another _Sweet Heart_ into her mouth.

"Yeah." Ichigo confirmed.

Rukia, who was lying on her stomach on the floor whilst rotating between flipping through her manga and devouring sweets, craned her neck to look at him.

"Your classmates seem to be really into it, but you don't. Do you hate it or is this just part of that 'cool tough guy' reputation of yours?"

"It's _annoying_ is all."

Rukia smirked.

"Really? Because I was thinking of bringing it up at the next meeting the Shinigami Women's Association has. It's a fantastic concept… Yachiru will love it, I'm sure."

Ichigo rolled his eyes.

"You do that." He said, "And while you do, I'm gonna get something to eat. Want anything?" He asked, standing up and stretching his arms.

It was a stupid thing to ask, he knew, watching Rukia practically inhale the chocolates that Urahara had given her and then move on to his own basket, which he had discarded the moment he walked into his room. But at least it wasn't going to be wasted, he mused, before making his way into the hallway and down the stairs.

When he reached the kitchen, he instinctively dodged the roundhouse kick to the head from the idiot he was forced to call "Dad".

"You've gotten good, my son!" The idiot boasted proudly, "I've taught you well!"

"Yeah, yeah," Ichigo replied dismissively, opening the fridge and fishing around for the orange Kool-Aid Yuzu had made the previous night.

"I wouldn't bother." Karin informed him from her spot at the table, when she noticed he was having trouble locating it. "Dad drank it all when we were at school."

Ichigo paused, then sighed irritably and settled for water instead. After pouring a glass and grabbing an apple off the counter, he was about to return his room when he noticed something very different about his younger sister.

"Are you wearing _makeup_?" He asked incredulously.

Karin's face immediately became three shades redder.

"What? N -"

"_YES_!" Isshin cried happily, cutting her off while clasping his hands together and allowing joyful manly tears to stream down his cheeks. "Karin has a date tonight!"

"It's _not_ a date, old man!" Karin snarled, her embarrassment replaced with anger. "Me and Toshiro are just meeting up for a game of soccer -- _THAT'S ALL_!"

But Isshin wasn't listening. Instead, he threw himself at the giant poster of their late smiling mother and began making a scene.

"OH MASAKI, ISN'T IT WONDERFUL? OUR LITTLE KARIN IS FINALLY BECOMING A WOMAN! I'M SO HAPPY! SOON SHE'LL BE GETTING MARRIED AND HAVING CHILDREN OF HER OWN AND WE'LL BE GRANDPARENTS AND OUR DELINQUENT SON WILL ALSO BE MARRIED BY THEN AND WE'LL HAVE SO MANY LITTLE GRANDCHILDREN RUNNING AROUND IT'LL BE HARD TO KEEP TRACK OF THEM ALL, BUT I'LL DO IT FOR YOU! OH MASAKIIIIIIIIII!"

As he wept jovially, Ichigo fought the urge to strangle him.

"'Delinquent son'?" He repeated, clenching his fist.

"_Married_? I'm twelve!" Karin said disbelievingly.

Suddenly, Ichigo unclenched his fist and stared down at her.

"So… this 'Toshiro'… he wouldn't happen to be the same Toshiro _I'm_ thinking of, is he?"

He was met with silence, but it was all the answer he needed.

"I'm gonna kill the little bastard when he -"

Before he could finish his threat, Rukia's voice echoed throughout the house.

_"Ichigo! Could you come here for a second?" _

"Yes, son! Answer the call of your future wife and make sweet, sweet love to -"

"SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU PERVERT!"

As Ichigo dragged his feet up the stairs, he tried desperately to erase the disturbing images of him and Rukia _like that_, but with that damn Hollow dwelling in the darkest corners of his mind, cackling wildly and making suggestive remarks, he found it to be almost impossible. Still, he continued to try, even if it was futile.

"Rukia, I already explained how to open the…"

He broke off instantly and came to an abrupt halt in the doorway, staring wide-eyed and mouth-open at the unexpected sight before him.

There, sitting on the edge of his bed in a very provocative pose, clad in nothing but a skirt and bra, with her hair tousled and wearing a come-hither look on her face, was none other than Rukia Kuchiki.

"_RUKIA_?" He finally managed to choke out.

The girl in question smirked.

Then she pounced.

X

**End Part I, the first of two parts. Originally it was going to just be a oneshot, but I changed my mind.**

** Also, this isn't meant to be a serious fic. It's pure humor, and all will be explained in the next chapter which I **_**should**_** have up either tonight or tomorrow.**

** Please ****REVIEW****!**

_**-Lady Azura-**_


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Don't own _Bleach_. 'Nuff said.

Author's Note: I meant to have this done for Valentine's Day, but I got lazy.

X

**Loser Appreciation Day  
**_**Part II**_

X

Needless to say, the last thing Ichigo expected that day was to end up _tackled_ to the floor by a girl half his size and weight. It was something he probably should have seen coming, given how fate just loved to toy with him by hurling unexpected surprises in his general direction, but somehow the idea that _Rukia_ of _all_ people would be the one sitting on top of him, _half-naked_ and gazing down at him with lust-clouded eyes… it just never occurred to him _to_ expect such a thing.

And really, why would it?

It was _Rukia_.

Yet here she was, hovering over him and muttering nonsense about wanting to be his first -

Wait, what?

_"What did you say?"_

Rukia sat back on her knees and stared blankly, and for a very brief second she resembled the Rukia _he_ knew, but then _those eyes_ returned, along with a tiny smirk that promised much more to come, and Ichigo immediately regretted not having kept his mouth shut.

"What? Hard of hearing?" She teased, "Then I guess I'll just have to repeat myself, now won't I?" With that, Rukia leaned in very close, invading his personal bubble even more-so than usual (although, then again, their current position wasn't a regular occurrence either). Then she spoke, soft and sultry, her breath tickling his ear as she did so. "I _said_… we're gonna have a lot of fun tonight, you and me."

To demonstrate, she let her tongue dart out and trace the shell of his ear, causing Ichigo's body to jerk and his face to heat up.

He didn't know what had gotten into Rukia in the ten minutes he'd been absent from the room, but he didn't want to stick around to be at the receiving end of it no matter how much his Hollow begged. He knew perfectly well that most hot-blooded teenage males with raging hormones his age would have taken advantage of the situation without a second thought, but Ichigo was no ordinary hot-blooded teenage male with raging hormones. _He_ would _not_ give into his body's desires and take advantage of Rukia in her current state -- she'd clearly lost it, at least temporarily -- even _if_ she was the one _literally_ throwing herself at him. He was stronger than that, and so, gripping her hips tightly, he lifted the petite Shinigami off of him and quickly got to his feet before Rukia could protest.

Then he jumped out the bedroom window and took off down the road.

---

_Heh._

In the shadows, a dark ear twitched.

_Hehe._

A pair of gold eyes flickered open.

_Teeheehee!_

"Oh, that is _it_!" Yoruichi Shihouin growled irritably, lifting her head and staring at her best friend from across the room, wondering if he'd finally gone and lost his mind.

No one else was around but her, and she'd been enjoying a _very_ nice cat nap until Kisuke's incessant giggling became… well… _incessant_.

Upon hearing her voice, the blond man stopped and grinned.

"Ah, Yoruichi! What a surprise! How long have you been over there? Were you asleep? I hope I didn't wake you! Come here, kitty!"

"I'll claw your eyes out if you ever call me that again, Kisuke." Yoruichi warned, stretching her arms and legs before strolling over and leaping up onto the counter. She nudged his hand with her head and when he started petting her, she spoke once more. "So, what exactly was so funny?"

"Oh, nothing…"

"Liar."

He chuckled. "You know me too well…"

"So? Are you gonna tell me or not?" 

"Well…" Kisuke began, but he was interrupted by a loud ringing. "Heh. That was sooner than I thought." He abandoned her momentarily, only to come back with the phone.

"Who is it?" Yoruichi asked.

"We'll find out." Was the response she got, but she had a feeling Kisuke knew exactly who it was, even before he answered. She decided not to say anything, though, and instead, listened in on his conversation.

"Yes? Oh, Kurosaki-kun, it's you… did you enjoy the chocolate? Wha…? You gave yours to Kuchiki-san? Oh dear… hm? Oh, nothing… nothing to worry about -- ack!" He suddenly yanked the phone away from his ear and held it at arm's length, and Yoruichi could distinctly hear Ichigo Kurosaki on the other end of the line shouting frantically at him, although _what_ he was saying was completely beyond her. He didn't sound too happy, though.

"What makes you think _I_ had something to do with Kuchiki-san's behaviour? Oh, it's not _always_ my fault. Uh-huh… uh-huh… _ohoho_… what? I'm not laughing! Listen… Kurosaki-kun… everything will be fine by tomorrow. Trust me. _Wha-_? You can totally trust me! … Kurosaki-kun, your lack of faith in me is very disheartening, I must say. Listen, don't worry about it… I give you my _word_ that Kuchiki-san will be back to her normal self by tomorrow… just avoid her for the rest of the night and your virginity should remain intact. Until then… bye-bye now!"

With that, Kisuke hung up and put the phone away. When he returned, Yoruichi was looking at him suspiciously.

"What's with that look?"

Yoruichi sighed.

"What did you do, Kisuke?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, my wonderful feline companion."

She frowned.

He took a step back.

"Okay, you caught me. Always so perceptive, but that's what I love about you." He said, smiling sheepishly before continuing. "I _might have_ injected the chocolates I gave to Kurosaki-kun and his friends with a little something extra…"

"Which would be…?" Yoruichi pressed.

"Nothing dangerous!" Kisuke quickly assured her. "It's just a simple serum I concocted that causes whoever ingests it to be temporarily consumed by their sexual desires… but it only lasts a few hours. Although in Kuchiki-san's case, it might last a bit longer since she apparently ate Kurosaki-kun's chocolate as well."

Yoruichi was silent at first. Then she swatted angrily at him with her paw.

"Idiot! At what point did you think that was a good idea?"

Kisuke pouted.

"I was just trying to give them all a little push! They'll thank me when this is over, I'm sure!"

---

_**Knock-Knock-Knock!**_

Ichigo, completely breathless from running around town, pounded frantically at the door in front of him.

_**Knock-Knock-Knock!**_

"Uryuu!" He yelled at the top of his lungs, rotating between banging on the door and ringing the doorbell, sometimes doing both at once -- anything to make the Quincy answer his damn door. "Hey Uryuu, open up! It's an emergency! I need your help!"

He didn't care if he was angering the neighbours by being so loud.

"Come _on_! I know you're in there, so just open the door before I'm forced to kick it down!"

_**Knock-Knock-Knock-Knock-Knock--**_

At last, the door swung open, and Ichigo was met with the sight of a shirtless Uryuu (something he could have lived without, really) looking more than a little irritated.

"_WHAT_, Kurosaki? What was so important that you needed to interrupt me and wake up half of Karakura Town?" The bespectacled boy snapped, gripping the threshold so tightly that Ichigo heard wood chip.

The orange-haired teen winced, but wasted no time in launching to a quick recap of what had happened in the last few hours.

When he was done, Uryuu was staring at him like he'd suddenly grown an extra head.

"So," Ichigo finished, panting. "Can I stay here until tomorrow?"

Before Uryuu could answer, another voice sounded from inside.

"Uryuu! Come back to bed!"

This time, it was Ichigo's turn to stare.

"Is -- is that _Orihime_?"

Instead of giving him an answer, Uryuu merely slammed the door in his face.

---

There was nowhere to hide.

It sounded preposterous, even to him, but he had tried every place he knew, but with no luck at all. His friends certainly hadn't been any help; either they hadn't been home or they'd been too busy with _each other_ to give him the time of day. So in the end, he had no choice but to return home, against his better judgment, because he was tired and aching and nothing sounded better to him than collapsing on his bed and going right to sleep. Even if Rukia tried to molest him during that time… at least he wouldn't be conscience.

When he entered his room, it was empty. A small smile tugged at his lips as he dragged his feet over to his bed, but before he could collapse and drift off into dreamland, he heard the door click shut. He turned just in time to see Rukia step out of the shadows with her arms folded across her chest, looking none too happy, like usual.

Good. She was back to normal.

"I've been waiting for you to come back."

Ah, shit…

Ichigo groaned inwardly as he watched her make her way over, coming to a halt only when she was standing right in front of him.

"Now there's no where to run."

She smirked and stood up on the tips of her toes so that she was at level with his eyes, using his shoulders to balance herself.

"Now take your clothes off."

The substitute Shinigami gave an exasperated sigh.

"Listen, Rukia -"

He was cut off when her lips met his with bruising force, the shock causing him to stumble back and topple over onto his bed. Somewhere amidst the scuffle, he ended up on top of her, and for a minute -- only a minute -- he allowed himself to indulge in the kiss, because it was unlikely it would ever happen again.

It was nice; Rukia's lips were very soft and felt pleasant against his own.

He could get used to this -- _NO_!

Amber eyes snapping open, Ichigo broke the kiss with a gasp.

"Rukia… I…"

He trailed off when a pink petal fluttered by his face.

His blood ran cold and he swallowed nervously before slowly turning to look behind him.

Byakuya Kuchiki stood in his open window, looking as cold and composed as always, despite _radiating_ murderous intent.

"Byakuya…" He started, waving his hands frantically. "This isn't what it looks like, I swear!"

The Kuchiki Head's expression didn't change, and when he reached for his Zanpakuto, Ichigo knew he was doomed.

"Ichigo Kurosaki," the older man spoke, his voice deadly as he grasped the hilt of his Zanpakuto, "you dare to besmirch the name of Kuchiki and taint my Pride. For that, you must perish."

"Wait, Byakuya, if you'd just let me explain -"

**"Scatter… Senbonzakura."**

X

FIN

X

**There. I'm done.**

** Poor Ichigo.**

** I hope you guys enjoyed. It was fun to write, but definitely not my best work.**

** Anyway, please ****REVIEW****! Constructive Criticism is always appreciated.**

_**-Lady Azura-**_


End file.
